You Can't Make Me!

Most kids (and parents) have heard these words countless times. They largely characterize the attempts of young people in the process of acquainting themselves with their ego, an oftentimes confusing path when one is living under someone else’s roof and eating mass quantities of their food. This early power struggle can lead to tension between parent and child, however the challenging dynamic doesn’t end there.

Most of us grow up and move out, making our way in the world and choose the relationships we think we want. It’s a common occurrence, widely acceptable in the culture. However, the seeds of the power struggle, the struggle of the ego, have been planted and they tend to flower most brilliantly in our most significant adult relationships. We just don’t typically (even though we might want to) use the pouty words, “You Can’t Make Me!”

It begins, perhaps, in a relatively small way. “You’re going to wear that?” is a favorite. “I can’t believe you’re not coming with us,” is another classic. As our relationships develop and the investment we have in them deepens, communication gets more profound. “I never thought my life would look like this.” Of course you didn’t! You imagined you would live in a beautiful palace with legions of servants and a never ending cup of honey wine! It is a beautiful image, even now. But then there’s reality.

The challenge with fantasy futures is that our picture often distorts the most vital component of any relationship, the concept of true partnership. “If I find the ONE, the perfect, ideal person who will join lives together, then my needs should easily be met!” The palace isn’t the problem; you can manifest wealth, cars and fine food. You can even manifest your ideal partner. It’s AFTER all that manifesting is complete that the real work begins!

Many of us have a tendency to express our needs in life as expectations. Instead of: “I need to feel love in my life,” we say “Why don’t you love me more?” Instead of: “I need to live in a palace,” we say “Can’t you pick up your crap?” Almost always, your partner reacts with a very familiar sentiment. “You Can’t Make Me!” They may not use the words and in fact, they may even say, “Sure, honey!” However, the old reaction to someone else imposing their will and expectations upon us is as present as ever. But now, the stakes are even higher.

So, I want to remind all of us about the difference between our needs and our expectations. Unless our needs are met through the loving gifts of the people who adore us, because they want to, then our needs get met with a price tag attached. Speak clearly and honestly about your needs and don’t say “you” when you express those needs. Otherwise, you might just experience those famous words, “You Can’t Make Me!” as your partner flips on the television in their castle’s living room!