“… if you think true love looks like Romeo and Juliet, you’ll overlook a great relationship that grows slowly.” Revolution – in business and in life – often starts with a small step.” Derek Sivers

I have enjoyed probably more than my fair share of relationships in my life. In fact, I REALLY squeezed the juice out of most of my relational experiences over the years which is undoubtedly why I have made relationship counseling such a significant part of my career. Yes, I have trained and studied the various theories and approaches with regard to relationship optimization however none of this (expensive is an understatement) professional tutoring has come close to the level of utility as my own forays into coupling, tripling and well, you get the point.

When I coach a couple who is struggling to make heads or tails of their committed partnership, it is rarely a text book I refer to in my mind as I encourage certain approaches over others. It is typically a personal experience that I rely on to support my encouragement for a particular route that individuals can take in order to make lemonade from the sour fruit they are sucking on. Is this clinically sound? Should I pull the books down off the shelf in order to substantiate my advice? If I could, there would be an author out there making billions of dollars.

The truth of the matter is that what makes me a good relationship counselor is the simple fact that I have used my own relationships as learning experiences from which to teach others what works and what miserably fails. For better of for worse, the brilliant scientist typically first injects herself with the serum, serving as ones own guinea pig before unleashing some solution onto the world. Well, that’s me. Remember, the line between brilliant and “mad” is the stuff of great stories!

“All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today.” ~ Swedish Proverb

So, in reality, all you need to do in order to have a fantastic relationship is what I do: build a database regarding your relationship choices, track healthy outcomes and learn from your less supportive decisions! You’re already well on your way to your own relational revolution!

I used to live on a small ranch in New Mexico where my neighbors and I enjoyed plenty of room between our respective properties. A gorgeous rock cliff served as demarcation to the north and then there was just land everywhere else sprinkled with some houses, horse corrals and the train tracks to the south. Each morning I’d open my front door and my dogs would take off into the sage brush and chamisas, doing their business as they saw fit. No leashes, plastic bags or parks. In fact, no one seemed to care what my dogs were doing or where horses pooped or how deep into my land the neighbors’ llamas grazed.

And yet, I was very aware of an unspoken code of boundaries. An understanding existed, floated, between all of the land-owners out there in the high desert. Centered on respect, folks out there beneath the big sky understood that we all lived out in the hills because we wanted the privacy, freedom and peace to live our lives without much interference.

Floodlights were put on motion sensors so as not to disrupt the natural beauty of the night sky for anyone else. No radios spewed unwanted music across the succulents and pinon trees. Our road remained unpaved year after year in order to keep traffic at a minimum. It was quiet and simple enough to focus on what was happening internally without many external distractions.

Many people thought I was off my rocker when I voluntarily moved to the heart of Chicago. And yet, city life isn’t terribly different from rural living. Not terribly…

People still like their freedom, peace and privacy they just go about it a bit differently. Less of an unspoken code here, folks seem very committed to the written laws in place and are often rapidly on board when it comes to their enforcement. People seem resolved never to see the night sky so who cares if you leave your lights on all night or if your car alarm goes off three times a night? Living on top of and beneath people day in and day out, it also gets hard to avoid being in other people’s business. I can easily distinguish when the neighbors are fighting and when they are making up…Hey, that’s city life, right?

Boundaries are a funny thing in the big city. We love our freedoms but we’re willing to do all sorts of things in order to make sure other people are following the rules properly. We love our peace and quiet but we can only attain real peace here by consciously choosing to be unconscious. While I don’t mind living in the city now, I do miss the unspoken commitment to live and let our neighbors live.