Forgive me if this seems a bit personal, but what is the POINT of your relationship?

I agree with you… because you love them, because they deal with your crap, because you want to have a family or they look like they’d make a nice baby or two…

I personally believe that the primary reason we enter committed partnership with another person is to grow as an individual! Now that may be hidden beneath the obvious reasons, unconscious to many of us, but have you noticed that the person you love is also the person who seems to get under your skin sometimes?

There’s no coincidence there, and no, this does not mean you are with the wrong person! We choose the person to commit to who pushes our buttons so we have an opportunity to grow and learn about ourselves. Otherwise, when everything is just smooth sailing for the rest of your life together, never a wave or a sudden storm, then you might have a very NICE life, but I have to say, it might not just be boring, it might even be disappointing because you really don’t find yourself challenged to assess yourself and possibly shift some of your behaviors.

Now, many couples don’t like to hear this, but I am very clear that while it is a huge part of relationship to do nice things for your partner, you can not expect your partner to do anything for you. I had a couple on my couch recently and the woman said, “well what’s the point of being married if he’s not going to take out the garbage when I tell him to?” If you fall into this camp, I hate to tell you that you are sailing into a tsunami, not a few little waves.

When my partner does something sweet for me or vice versa, it is a gift, not an obligation. As soon as we feel we have to, we resent it. We all have needs, and we have every right to express those needs to our partners. We just can’t expect them to do anything about them.

Every couple has issues. We all have a problem or two in our relationships however this does not mean we are with the wrong person! However, without a solid, healthy process, i.e. a healthy way of communicating with one another, we find ourselves in trouble. Without a healthy way of speaking and hearing what the other is really saying our problems become the heart of our relationship rather than our process, and that can lead to extraordinary challenges!

So remember, it is the process, not the problems that matter!

I work with dozens of couples every week on how to strengthen and sometimes, save, their marriage and one of the most vital elements that we focus on is appreciation. Appreciation is the fluid that keeps the mechanism of the relationship moving smoothly and it is often one of the first things to disappear when life seems to hit overdrive. Kids, work, TV, financial hardship… all of these have a tendency to dry up the simplest, least common denominator for your relationship: Why and what you love about your partner!

In order for both women and men to make their marriage a priority, there must be some basic steps taken to create a boundary for the relationship.

Many parents leave the door open at night for the kids. Makes sense, and, it also makes it challenging for intimacy to occur in a natural, spontaneous manner. Close the door sometimes! Even for a half hour of private time that the kids know about. It doesn’t have to be sex but it will at least be intimate and private.

Appreciation is the fluid for which your relationship thirsts! At least three times a day, be sure to acknowledge the things you love and are grateful for in your partner. A note, a hug, a text or email even as you juggle the kids will go a long way. We need to know we’re loved and that the things we do mean something.

Many couples observe “Date Night.” This is a wonderful routine that goes a long way for many folks. However, is a couple of hours a week enough to give to your relationship? I encourage couples to make time every day for at least some type of check-in. Typically, the time after the kids are down and the TV and laptops rule the living room is a perfect moment to pause everything else, look each other in the eyes and check in. Start with appreciation and then ask about their day. Ask if there is anything they need or that you can help them with. Remember, love is a verb. It is good will in action! We tend to rely on the “of course I love you” rather than the “how can I love you today…”

In the end, your kids win. We grow up observing our parents’ relationship and tend to either recreate or spend our lives reacting to the way things were in our childhood. Modeling healthy boundaries, loving service and boundless appreciation are just some of the legacies you can leave your kids. They will also get parents who are nurtured and patient with each other and therefore more present and loving about their needs. Kids need to see their parents being loving with each other and communicating in a healthy way, otherwise both generations end up on my couch!