Last spring I attended a workshop in Boston offered by Hay House Publishing Company geared towards  folks in the community who want to promote their transformational work in the world. I wasn’t exactly certain what to expect nor was I particularly clear about what it was I was looking for, but a dear friend went to a previous offering and had nothing but rave reviews. And he is awesome.

One of the things author and life coach, Cheryl Richardson, presented was the necessity for contemporary  teachers to develop a personal “platform” that draws upon numerous social and technological avenues in order to effectively promote one’s core message. Core message, right? I negotiated mini panic attacks for the first 24 hours of the week-end as I grappled with the fear of truly spelling out to myself, let alone to others, what indeed was my message, my purpose, my passion.

“I want to change the world.” Well, easy enough, right? Who doesn’t want to change the world? I’d proudly sit with that clarity for about five minutes before the onslaught of “yeah, but’s” came pouring in and sent me reeling into confusion and self-doubt. “Who am I to say there is a problem with the world as it was created and exists?” “Who am I to suggest that I know what the world needs and that I have the ability to affect that change?”

“OK, I know! Relationships! I want to help folks enjoy more meaningful, transformational relationships!!!” Now what could be bad about that? I’ll be “the relationship guy!” I smiled silently from my chair as the workshop proceeded, content that I had already gained something useful and I had done it all by myself! Sure enough, an hour later a flood of scenes from previous relationships came crashing in, carrying the debris of mistakes, lessons and tragedies committed by yours truly in attempt after attempt to maintain “successful” romantic connections.

I felt like Charlie Brown trying to kick the elusive football. I’d charge the ball with gusto only to wind up flat on my back,  cartoon birdies circling overhead. How could I ever really know what I want to do or say with my talents if I can so easily find a hundred reasons why I have been so clueless about this or that, even a miserable failure at something I wish to teach others about.

“Who would want to hear about creating a healthy relationship from someone who has had unhealthy ones in his own past?”

I began to research platform development in the weeks and months following the workshop and found myself reading marketing books, opening numerous social networking accounts, watching Ted.com videos from speaker/teacher masters and creating a public presence. One of the themes that I found particularly striking across the board was the necessity of branding.

The notion that every public person needs to brand themselves as if they are a product to be sold in the marketplace was instantly jarring. Really? At first it was a bit funny to imagine myself as a tube of toothpaste or a new Smart Phone. “What makes me unique from other dental products or telecom mediums?” My toothpaste is all natural, smooth yet gritty, tasty and delicious but not too sweet?!? Not good enough! My toothpaste supports you by keeping a loving, compassionate breeze of sweet cleanliness on your breath all day! My cell phone not only makes calls and take photos of your life, it provides you with an alternative universe, a special community of like-minded people where you can feel at home and nurture your relationships!

No matter what product I could be “selling,” it is difficult to remove the essence of who I am and what I’m truly seeking to create in the world. I don’t want to sell anything, actually. I want to make changes in the world available for others to embrace. I can only share my opinions or beliefs about that change and then people can choose for themselves whether those ideas resonate or not. I do truly believe that healthy, nurturing relationships are the key to deep, lasting peace and self-love. I believe that with healthy relationships come healthy homes, cities and nations thus creating a healthy planet. Do I want to sell that to you? Not exactly.

My deep hope is that you will come to want it for yourself. There is a challenge within myself when it comes to trying to convince anyone of anything. I present ideas and possibilities and that is where I leave it. I know from decades of experience that I can not change another person but I can invite them to change. I don’t want to have to market myself in a way that makes change sexier or smarter, I want the reality of it to stand on its own. Then again, what if it doesn’t?

What if I sing from the mountain tops that projecting our needs onto others is the same as wanting to lock our friends and family in cages and invite visitors to come see what lovely relationships I have created? What if I dance a healthy relationship dance in my own life in the hope that those around me will see the beauty and benefit of nourishing their connections?

What if I do these things and nobody gets it? What if I sing my heart out and no one cares?

Back to branding. Can I make the message sexier without losing the authenticity of my beliefs and dreams? Can I assemble my words in a wittier way such that people think I must know what I’m talking about and then change? How is it possible to package myself and my message without attention to branding and marketing and not lose focus on the heart and soul of my personal journey?

I turn to the sun dried plum for wisdom.

What, you’ve not yet discovered this exotic fruit in your grocery store? The Angelino sun dried plum is naturally sun-dried, ready to use and will knock your socks off! It comes “fancy” sized, is approximately 2˝ in diameter with a deep violet color. California Angelino Plums have a tangy sweet flavor with spicy undertones and a chewy texture making them a good choice for snacking and as an ingredient for baking in breads, scones and bagels. Plums have a natural affinity to wines and dried plums are high in vitamin A, potassium and are an excellent source of fiber. They are even Kosher Certified.

What could be bad about such an exotic fruit? Nothing. Just explain it to the prune. They are calling it a “marketing make-over,” a “sea-change in the fruit world” and a “fruit of the past. ” The good old prune that my grandmother ( and yours ) used to chew on to keep things “right in the world” has been transformed into something exotic, fresh and fun. While it is still carries the amazing nutritional benefits of a good prune, the sun dried plum is about your transformation! What?

You didn’t like going to the store and buying prunes. It wasn’t sexy. Perhaps, it was embarrassing. You didn’t serve it at holidays or with mixed company. Your kids giggled at it in the cupboard so you stopped bringing it home. You changed. You wanted the benefits of the prune but you were no longer willing to tolerate the “bad wrap” associated with the prune. So, the powers that be made an adjustment for you as they have done with the Patagonian Toothfish, Sugar, and High Fructose Corn Syrup. They just want you to be comfortable. Corporations, governments and marketers can label things all sorts of ways to ensure that you feel at ease and that your numerous instinctual triggers don’t go off and compromise a sale, a change in your behavior.

Brother Shakespeare questioned whether a rose would smell as sweet by any other name? My message is the same, regardless of fancy platforms, marketing or savvy sales pitches. We can change the world, starting with our most basic relationships. Each day we have choices as to how we will be in the world; how we will interact with others. There is something so basic and true to this that no matter how I package it, the reality is always clear and present.

In the end, I guess I am really like the prune.

Emotional affairs are oftentimes an occurrence in a relationship that catches some spouses off guard. A lot of people assume that an affair is black and white- if there isn’t sex then there is no transgression. What often most startles these folks is when they realize that sex is the least of their worries. A one night stand can be bad, but after “the stand,” the threat typically goes away in the morning.

On the other hand, an emotional affair is a legitimate threat because it highlights the weaknesses in the primary relationship and then serves as a new focus for what life “could be like” with a potential new partner who seemingly fills many of the spaces one is missing.

An emotional affair is a liaison in which one partner in a committed relationship begins to project unmet needs and desires onto a third party, creating a triangle of focus and feelings that may or may not include physical contact. The emotional affair has more potential to do permanent damage to a committed partnership because it is not addressing or fulfilling sexual frustrations, but rather it is fulfilling the general state of feeling unfulfilled!

On the other hand, since there is oftentimes an absence of sexual contact in many of these cases, if the emotional affair is identified and addressed early enough, it can be a lightning rod in a marriage that prods a couple to address issues in a direct, focused manner and without beating around the bush, so to speak. Sometimes the other partner is able to hear why their spouse is looking elsewhere to get their non-sexual needs met without reacting in a jealous way because there hasn’t been a physical transgression.

Even better yet? Work on your communication together! Stop projecting your needs onto your partner and take responsibility for your unmet needs and wants. Remember what it feels like to be kind to your partner, just because you are a kind person. If you’re being cold to your spouse, you are being cold to yourself first. So, warm up!

How often is it that we take responsibility for our real feelings and actions in our relationships with others? For many, many years, I did not take a whole lot of credit for myself and what I was doing and saying to the people that supposedly meant the most. In fact, I oftentimes found contempt in others for exactly the things I was struggling with in myself. Here’s a brief video where I get into this issue and what I refer to as, The Law of Responsibility…

Most kids (and parents) have heard these words countless times. They largely characterize the attempts of young people in the process of acquainting themselves with their ego, an oftentimes confusing path when one is living under someone else’s roof and eating mass quantities of their food. This early power struggle can lead to tension between parent and child, however the challenging dynamic doesn’t end there.

Most of us grow up and move out, making our way in the world and choose the relationships we think we want. It’s a common occurrence, widely acceptable in the culture. However, the seeds of the power struggle, the struggle of the ego, have been planted and they tend to flower most brilliantly in our most significant adult relationships. We just don’t typically (even though we might want to) use the pouty words, “You Can’t Make Me!”

It begins, perhaps, in a relatively small way. “You’re going to wear that?” is a favorite. “I can’t believe you’re not coming with us,” is another classic. As our relationships develop and the investment we have in them deepens, communication gets more profound. “I never thought my life would look like this.” Of course you didn’t! You imagined you would live in a beautiful palace with legions of servants and a never ending cup of honey wine! It is a beautiful image, even now. But then there’s reality.

The challenge with fantasy futures is that our picture often distorts the most vital component of any relationship, the concept of true partnership. “If I find the ONE, the perfect, ideal person who will join lives together, then my needs should easily be met!” The palace isn’t the problem; you can manifest wealth, cars and fine food. You can even manifest your ideal partner. It’s AFTER all that manifesting is complete that the real work begins!

Many of us have a tendency to express our needs in life as expectations. Instead of: “I need to feel love in my life,” we say “Why don’t you love me more?” Instead of: “I need to live in a palace,” we say “Can’t you pick up your crap?” Almost always, your partner reacts with a very familiar sentiment. “You Can’t Make Me!” They may not use the words and in fact, they may even say, “Sure, honey!” However, the old reaction to someone else imposing their will and expectations upon us is as present as ever. But now, the stakes are even higher.

So, I want to remind all of us about the difference between our needs and our expectations. Unless our needs are met through the loving gifts of the people who adore us, because they want to, then our needs get met with a price tag attached. Speak clearly and honestly about your needs and don’t say “you” when you express those needs. Otherwise, you might just experience those famous words, “You Can’t Make Me!” as your partner flips on the television in their castle’s living room!