Control Yourself.

What is it about our desire to control another that creates monsters both in ourselves and in the people we attempt to harness with our own wishes, directions and demands?

The fear in me that you will do or say something contrary to what I believe is in my best interest or even threatens my way of life is a real problem. It sits in the back of my mind and festers there; I think about it often. What if your way, hurts my way? This fear can easily transition to anxiety and eventually, become panic. The result? Slavery, murder, war, incest, rape, adultery, terrorism and a host of other distorted manifestations of my initial fear.

The concern that an extremist feels that her beliefs or way of life is somehow threatened by my beliefs or way of life can go any of two ways.

1: “Can we talk about something that has been bothering me? I feel a bit triggered by something you are saying or doing…”

2: “Your way of being in the world feels so threatening to me right now that the only way I can cope is to eradicate the thought or lifestyle choice from my world. I will now attempt to control the behavior in you I do not like. If that fails, prepare to die.”

Option 1 typically leads to a dialogue about what I did that created fear or anxiety for you and because I’m not a bad person, I agree to look at what I’m doing to see if there is anything in my behavior that is intentional or malicious and agree to shift those actions if I find I’m not acting from my best self. On the other hand, I may check myself and feel I am acting in full alignment with who I am and opt to just acknowledge that you’re having a hard time and hold space for you to be where you are, in your fear, supporting you to the best of my ability while not altering my behavior.

Option 2 typically leads to removing ones shoes at the airport. I have triggered you in some way but what I hear from you is that if I don’t alter my behavior, that you will force me to change. The fear that you will try to change me creates anxiety for me that has the potential to lead to panic. The fear that you will attempt to hurt me in order to eradicate my way of being in the world typically leads to extreme panic, perhaps even terror. The result? I attempt to control myself, control you, and control the environment so as to gain a sense of safety and security. How do I do this? Extreme measures. Lockdown.

If I am feeling out of control because someone I do not know has made a formal declaration that my way of being must be eradicated, I feel scared and angry. I want to be safe but now I’m also confused and angry that you have made me and my way of being bad or wrong. I feel defensive. I feel like getting you back for making me feel bad. I want to control you to make you understand that you can’t control me. That might feel better for me, perhaps. Maybe I’ll feel more in control;  safer.

I take measures to demand, insist, require, enforce, train, re-educate, enlist, deploy, regiment, segment, quarantine, counteract…

Ahh. I feel safe again. I have you where I want you. Now, what was it that you wanted to talk about?

As you embark on another season of holiday travel I invite you to consider this an opportunity to observe the phenomenon of control in your life. How do I deal with control? How do I deal with other people’s needs to control me?

We have two options in life when faced with a stimulus: We can React and do what we are wired/conditioned to do, or, we can Respond and do what we choose to do based on an inner process between heart and mind. I respond when I consider what my true purpose is and what my desired outcome truly is.

So, as you choose between a full cavity search, groinal pat down or panoramic X-Ray, consider that we always have a choice as to how we will respond to a particular threat, idea or attempt to control. The choice really begins at the beginning of the cycle, however.

I feel fear. How do I want to respond?