Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things…
Henry David Thoreau, 1854

Two weeks ago I stood in line for 3.5 hours at a huge shopping mall to be one of the first to have the option to purchase the IPad 2. My wife and I arrived to the mall one hour before the unit went on sale and found we were already placed behind almost five hundred other “second edition early adopters.”

“Let’s just give it a little while and see what happens,” I suggested to my wife who had already started to slow her pace to a resistant crawl.

“Really? You can’t wait a few days and get it later?”

I smiled sheepishly and grinned.

Within minutes, we had struck up several conversations with our “line mates” who all had interesting stories to share about their first this or that’s. We found an instant kinship with those who also wanted their IPad’s today, not tomorrow.

Ironically, the IPad 2 was released on the same day as the worst disaster in Japan since WW2. In the midst of the excitement and privilege surrounding the purchase of a generally extraneous piece of technology, I periodically checked my smart phone for updates on quake victims, tsunami damage and the threat of leaking radiation.

Perhaps it was my way of staying in touch with reality; perhaps it was a way to assuage inklings of guilt that crept up knowing that I was buying a fancy, expensive toy on a day when people across the planet were in absolute terror and chaos. Perhaps, it had nothing to do with anything.

Two weeks later, I love my IPad. I use it to read the news about the disaster in Japan and then I play Angry Birds. I use it as an aid to facilitate change and transformation in sessions with clients and then I read a comic book.

Sometimes I think about the people of Japan and the fear they must feel regarding radioactive leaks from nuclear power plants and then I don’t think about them. I don’t want to think about their pain sometimes. It’s terrible. I think about Libyans who are afraid to speak out against their crazy leader and then I stop thinking about them because it can become overwhelming to think about them for too long.

I think about the ways I compartmentalize my life and there is a tidal wave of consideration that sweeps through me, recalling moments of trauma and grief in my past when I opted to go sit in a movie as a way to “detach.” I consider moments when I was stressed out about something and I ate three donuts instead of finding a healthy way to confront my anxiety.

What is the appropriate or healthy amount of thought, consideration, commiseration one must offer to another in their grief? Is there such a thing as the right amount?

I feel good about showing up for my IPad on game day because it brought me joy and continues to do so even though people are suffering on the planet.

It is a fascinating process being alive at this juncture of time and space. It is fascinating to even have the opportunity to consider such things.

Forgive me if this seems a bit personal, but what is the POINT of your relationship?

I agree with you… because you love them, because they deal with your crap, because you want to have a family or they look like they’d make a nice baby or two…

I personally believe that the primary reason we enter committed partnership with another person is to grow as an individual! Now that may be hidden beneath the obvious reasons, unconscious to many of us, but have you noticed that the person you love is also the person who seems to get under your skin sometimes?

There’s no coincidence there, and no, this does not mean you are with the wrong person! We choose the person to commit to who pushes our buttons so we have an opportunity to grow and learn about ourselves. Otherwise, when everything is just smooth sailing for the rest of your life together, never a wave or a sudden storm, then you might have a very NICE life, but I have to say, it might not just be boring, it might even be disappointing because you really don’t find yourself challenged to assess yourself and possibly shift some of your behaviors.

Now, many couples don’t like to hear this, but I am very clear that while it is a huge part of relationship to do nice things for your partner, you can not expect your partner to do anything for you. I had a couple on my couch recently and the woman said, “well what’s the point of being married if he’s not going to take out the garbage when I tell him to?” If you fall into this camp, I hate to tell you that you are sailing into a tsunami, not a few little waves.

When my partner does something sweet for me or vice versa, it is a gift, not an obligation. As soon as we feel we have to, we resent it. We all have needs, and we have every right to express those needs to our partners. We just can’t expect them to do anything about them.

Every couple has issues. We all have a problem or two in our relationships however this does not mean we are with the wrong person! However, without a solid, healthy process, i.e. a healthy way of communicating with one another, we find ourselves in trouble. Without a healthy way of speaking and hearing what the other is really saying our problems become the heart of our relationship rather than our process, and that can lead to extraordinary challenges!

So remember, it is the process, not the problems that matter!

I had an English teacher in 10th grade named Mrs. Gae Del Campo. She was older than most teachers and was the wife of a very successful physician. She chose to become a high school teacher late in life in order to do something constructive with the gift of affluence, vast experience and free time. Most folks in her position would have eased quietly into retirement.

She was eccentric to say the least. Mrs. Del Campo hauled around rings with enormous, bright stones attached, wore her fading fox-like hair up in a poof and liked to hang her jeweled spectacles from a chain around her neck. Yet, it was her personality that really stood out in our otherwise drab high school. She always addressed us as sir and ma’am. She used our last names, never the informal way to which we were accustomed. She listened to what we had to say and oftentimes responded without judgment or criticism unless you could derive such things from the loud cackle that followed our comments. We amused her.

What was most striking about one of the greatest teachers in my life was the tangible desire she demonstrated to make a difference in our lives- she longed to touch our hearts and minds in a deep, lasting way. She taught me how to write better than anyone I have ever met. She had the requisite systems and formulas for writing properly, but more than this she taught me to tap the passion in my writing. There were times she would send my papers back three or four times before giving it a grade. Yes, often it was a result of grammatical or editing requirements, but more remarkable were the requests to feel the words I was writing. “These are not just a bunch of words on a page placed together in an acceptable order, Mr. Sumber,” she’d say. “These are your words, connecting your heart with the reader.”

One of the things I love about writing is that it provides that bridge to connect with others. You can like what I write, disagree with my thoughts or ideas, feel moved by my words, etc. but without an ability to group words in a way where the feelings are also connected between the spaces, they are just data in a sea of information.

I don’t believe that good writing will be made obsolete by technology because at our cores, we want to connect to others. We love good stories and we love a good storyteller. No matter how restless we might become as gadgets and gigabytes speed up our world, we will always long for authentic connection.

Mrs. Del Campo was for me as vital a teacher as all the spiritual warriors, leaders and shamans I have studied with through the years. She taught me the power of the word in that biblical sense that all creation stems forth from our words. In the beginning of my journey was the understanding of the Word. And it was good.

The paladins of the great Charlemagne were the twelve knights, or the “Twelve Peers,” who moved through Europe fighting for king and “the good of men.” These twelve companions have also been associated throughout time with the Twelve Apostles of Jesus and the Twelve Knights of the Round Table. The palatinus were members of the Imperial Guard of Ancient Rome and were named after Palatine Hill, the mythical founding place of Rome. On the other hand, in Nazi Germany, Hermann Göring was also graced with the title “Paladin,” referring to a tradition of powerful titles that made the carrier second to the monarch.

The underlying common denominator for all of these incarnations of twelve organized warriors was the belief that their convictions were what kept them together and kept them strong. Paladins were almost always holy missionaries who intervened in the name of something bigger than their separate parts, almost always God or God’s emissaries on earth.

In the old days, these elite orders of men were powerful not simply due to their job description as handed down by king or pope, they drew power and prestige from the oath, the commitment and the communal belief that they were sworn to each other. The Knight’s Templars are an excellent example of a group of men sworn to protect Christianity during the Crusades who actually became more powerful after their original goal was achieved. The fact that they were banded together under a common belief and unified purpose made them so powerful that eventually the kings of Europe tried to eliminate them. The fact remained, however, that the common people of Europe believed that these Christian militiamen were holy crusaders long after the Crusades. Folks wanted to trust a group of semi-regular people who wore white and appeared to act in the interest of the common good!

In many ways, modern religion has gone the way of the Crusaders. Anyone can become a clergy person these days. Ideally, the person is “called” to the mission of spreading the Word, however one no longer needs to be able to read and write as the primary criteria for higher religious service. In fact, the past century has witnessed more democratization with respect to religious leaders than we have seen since the days of the Essenes and Gnostics.

Thousands of Americans now find their way to a pulpit or a website (or blog for that matter) and assume the role of religious teacher, adviser, disseminator, mentor and for some, spiritual link to a higher power. For some of these lay clergy, there is little training and little guidance or support. Much like roaming spiritual teachers two thousand years ago, people have their own version of the “truth” and it is up to the average person to decide if they are a crackpot or a true beacon of light. Much like average people thousands of years ago, average people today are not so sure what to believe and are susceptible to the passions and persuasions of others who claim to have the ANSWER.

Essentially, the challenge is as old as organized religion: We have been conditioned over time to believe that the emissaries of religious doctrine and practice are somehow above or “specially” separate from the thoughts, feelings and personal motivations of “regular” folks. We expect them to think and act differently, because they are supposed to be different. Is this really the case?

We often look to religious leaders for insight and direction with regard to issues that we feel are somehow too challenging or uncomfortable to handle by ourselves, yet those who have chosen paths of spiritual leadership had to grow up with parents who said “no” like the rest of us. All of us wearing human skin carry with us human emotional baggage so it is fascinating to imagine that because someone embraces a full time religious life (usually with benefits) that they somehow do not also carry the same emotional challenges or longings.

As designated religious leaders, clergy of any faith are in a unique position to offer guidance that common folks might not normally feel open to explore or accept as viable. The religious mantle often adds a degree of gravitas to a decision or path that makes many people feel safer than had they come to the same determination on their own.

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel suggested that “in order for religion to be viable anymore, it must be revolutionary.” I fully believe this to be the case now more than ever. Religious leaders volunteer to wear a mantle of dogma and faith therefore whatever they choose to do or not do is under close scrutiny by those of us who pay attention. Even non-believers pay attention to the ideas of religious leaders. A person may not agree with the perspective of a clergy person, but somehow their perspective seems to matter more than a non-clergy person because of the mantle.

I don’t think Heschel had knightly orders of armed rabbis in mind any more than an order of Templars. I do believe he envisioned a commitment for religious leaders to embrace social change, environmental integrity and social justice as the core of their spiritual work in the world. In fact, Heschel claimed he was “praying with his legs” as he marched alongside Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in Selma. People united for a common purpose are a force to be reckoned with…

I hope that more people take the notion of socially conscious “paladinism” seriously as we move farther down the road of personal responsibility when it comes to finance, education, spirituality, and so forth. When a tragedy like the one this month in Tucson serves more to separate the “parts” of our democracy rather than unite us, I fear that there is nowhere near enough “praying with our legs” happening in our great nation.

I believe that history has a funny (not always ha-ha) way of repeating itself, both personally and globally. It makes me feel better when I catch myself seemingly repeating the same behaviors over and over again to think that it isn’t just me slipping into those old patterns. You do it too, right?

History repeats itself because we often (usually subconsciously) seek out excuses in order to justify acting a particular way:
*Well, because I only quit smoking for a year last time, the likelihood is that I won’t really make it that far this time.
*I always eat too much over the holidays so I assume I’ll do the same this year.
*I’m typically weak when it comes to that ex-him or her, so the likelihood is that I’ll sleep with them again if they come knocking.

Let’s take this simple concept that most of us would agree upon a step further. C.G. Jung suggested that there is a direct correlation between my personal process and the process of humanity as a whole. Somehow the decision tree whereby I calculate the choice not to sleep with that person because I can choose a better path now as opposed to before is indeed a universal progression not limited to my own little drama. Isn’t it yours as well…?

“An archetypal image transmutes our personal destiny into the destiny of humankind” (Collected Works of C.G. Jung, 15/129). A common symbol, idea, experience, even a common dream, has the ability to connect my inner and outer world with your inner and outer world, linking my personal journey to the path of humanity as a whole. There is a certain magic to this concept that makes the world an even more fascinating, more alchemical place to live.

Alchemy is the ancient study (some adepts would suggest practice) whereby putrifaction leads to the transmutation of matter, most notably of metals into gold. The notion that we can seemingly convert static objects and states like stone or metal into a state of change and transformation was a process that intrigued many people before we were given the brain-numbing answer to free time and boredom, reality television. People living only a hundred years ago used to pursue the alchemical mysteries like folks today chase dreams of creating an internet start-up company or a new app for a smart phone.

It was commonly believed that for a person to attain the knowledge whereby an alchemical conversion was possible, a deep process of self-realization and personal development was essential. In this technologically advanced age, video games, Facebook, Twitter and TV in general, not just the reality kind, are things one would arguably need to suspend during the intensive, introspective, transformational process. Creating gold out of old Matchbox cars and cell phones takes focus. Some would say it requires a degree of enlightenment.

The Latin definition of Alchemy, Solve et Coagula can be translated as separate and come together, dissolve and coagulate. Those are VERY intriguing words for a psychotherapist, and I imagine for many others as well.

Jung suggested that the alchemy of the Self is a process whereby the individual exfoliates, even burns, layers of the self away to reveal the truest, most enlightened, version of our being. Alchemists of the Middle Ages believed that the person who could turn common metals into gold would need to have discovered a panacea, a veritable elixir of life, because it would necessarily be the universal solvent that when mixed with whatever form of matter, creates a metaphysical play dough that can be shaped into whatever the Alchemist chooses.

Following this so far? It’s the key to eternal life (and a reduced need for psychotherapy) so stay with me.

In order to transform the self I have thus far manifested in my relationships, my thoughts and in my life story, I need to uncover a personal elixir, a universal substance (or idea) that allows me to dissolve the places I am stuck and then draw together my broken pieces into a new, more empowered and enlightened form. That’s what I do when I do the work on myself to change old patterns that create harm or hurt for myself and others: I dissolve the old and form new ways of relating. It is also the process I personally strive to facilitate for clients each day in their therapeutic discovery and psycho-analysis.

Which brings me back to Time. I have a tendency (as do many good humans) to view my life historically, through the relationships I have created, maintained and dissolved. I conduct this self-analysis by understanding those connections through the context of time and space as well as my judgment of how I conducted myself in those situations. Hopefully, I view my past in terms of events and behaviors I want to learn from and improve.

For example, “I was a real jerk to that person in college, but I was just a kid trying to figure things out…”

“I ended up having that affair back then because I was longing for love and partnership but I wasn’t fully capable of committing so I chose someone who wasn’t truly available… “

“I chose to marry my husband or wife because I had done enough work on myself, dissolved and coagulated, and felt capable of creating a new version of who I am throughout time and space that, like gold (and Frosted Lucky Charms), I perceived to be magically delicious.”

There is a recursive regression that occurs in and for my self out of my own alchemical process whereby I transform myself in this moment as a result of a series of similarly transformational but static moments in my past. Like Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day,” recursion suggests that I am able to define my present state of conscious awareness by relying on a series of moments from the past when I believed I was indeed fully conscious. And yet, like two mirrors facing each other, I am able to see the mirror exactly in front only combined with a series of reflections of the same mirror somehow projected within the image.

Is it possible to perceive the changes I am making right now in the way I do “me” outside of or separate from the moments in my past when I was also conscious of change happening?

Is this possible without a universal solvent? Is there a panacea that allows me to solve et coagula?
There must be some common denominator throughout time and space that allows me to view myself as a self-aware person within a process of transformation. Relying upon this element, I build each moment of transformation upon itself, erecting a metaphysical slinky that when stretched and pulled forward enough, eventually snaps all of my past experiences and internal movements of consciousness forward in an instant. It soars through time and space and slams into the present moment at a grand, alchemical intersection of evolution, transformation, and perhaps even enlightenment. It changes us forever.

As we begin another year in the life, I’d like to invite you to take some time in the coming weeks to consider what constant has existed throughout your life that has helped you dissolve and coagulate. Perhaps it is not something you have ever contemplated and yet it might be something worth identifying, appreciating and nurturing as you move forward on your personal path to self-realization. What idea or belief, physical place, activity, relationship, etc. has truly served as a catalyst for growth and transformation in your life? Are you aware of your universal solvent? Perhaps it is time to become aware and pull the slinky of change forward…

Happy New Year!!!