Have you ever been in a relationship where you got to the point when it occurred to you that it might not be worth the work?

Probably, right? I mean, relationships take work! They can be HARD!

However, how does one determine whether a relationship has crossed that line of no return or whether it is our own resistance to moving through our quirky little pathologies and potential for growth?

Some important questions must be presented for each unique situation in order to properly assess and get clarity.

For starters, is the relationship one-sided? Am I always the one initiating contact, connection and closeness? Be careful, there is a difference between what feels this way and what is actually, factually this way! Sometimes we might feel that the other person hasn’t called in weeks yet a study of the old “missed calls” reveals a different picture.

Next, what is the pH level of this relationship? This is a scale from 0 to 14. A pH of 0 is acidic and 14 is base (alkaline) with 7 being neutral. Typically, we want to create slightly alkaline relationships but sometimes the toxicity shifts slightly to both sides of neutral. If your relationship feels acidic, it is likely that it is burning a hole through your sense of peace, however if it is so extremely alkaline then you are probably missing a bit of life!

Has this relationship ever changed? Have we grown as a relationship or are we exactly where we started? Even if we started in a great way, there is always potential to grow together! On the other hand, if the relationship feels like it has deteriorated over time with what used to be fun and easy feeling irritating, frustrating or tedious, then there is more work to do if this relationship will survive.

Finally, is this a nice relationship? Are we nice to one another? Do we wish the other person good things and support them in reaching their goals in life? Are we kind to ourselves in the relationship or do we beat ourselves up and feel worse after we meet? Do we feel compassion and love from the other person? If a relationship isn’t kind then it is destructive, simple as that. Either change your orientation within the relationship or purge it from your life!

There are always exceptions, especially when it comes to family. We typically lower the bar when it comes to family because many of our value systems consider maintaining familial ties more important than voluntary bonds. Still, there are certain familial dynamics that become so toxic that sadly the only solution is distance, even disconnection.

Whatever the case, I believe connection with others is close to the essence and purpose of being alive. Relationships are typically well worth the work, even the challenging ones!

One of my first grown-up jobs was at the Taos Ski School in New Mexico. I was 25 years old and really had no idea how to ski but managed to get an Assistant Supervisor position at the children’s ski school. On the morning of my first day I was excited to meet my staff and “make my mark.” I was most excited to have money coming in and pay the rent, lifting me out of the growing pool of out of work poets who sat at the coffee shop drinking sludge and impressing tourists with our lack of income and direction. I smiled at my staff as they walked past the boots and bindings to the time clock on the wall where they inserted their cardboard ticket to a paycheck. One bright, attractive woman in a hot pink ski suit walked up to me after she clocked in and with a weak, sarcastic smile announced: “Nothing like punching out my soul every morning!”

Ouch. That hurt. And it was only my first day. I went on to understand her feelings firsthand and by the end of my second month (and first paycheck) I decided that I missed the coffee shop more than I thought. I felt heavy, stuck and maybe a little queasy as I drove my truck up the winding snow-covered road to 9,000 feet and it wasn’t the altitude sickness. It didn’t take long to understand why so many ski instructors viewed me as part of the problem before they really knew me. I was an administrator, part of the system. And the system was not their friend. In fact, in my short tenure, my attempts to go above me to make some changes to our department and improve work conditions were mostly rejected or ignored. I gave my two weeks notice mid-season and relinquished the season ski pass to which everyone seemed so attached. I was free once again, and while I returned to the struggle to make rent, I no longer felt heavy, stuck and perhaps depressed.

Workplace Depression is oftentimes a twofold story. There are some employees who bring their depression to work with them and there are others who find that going to work creates a situation whereby they feel depressed. In my practice, I work with both sides of this story.

For some, it is “work” simply to find one’s way out of bed each morning, get showered and dressed and make it to the office. These people tend to do their best to pretend to be emotionally fine as it is generally socially unacceptable to be a “downer” at work. Once they head home, it is like the mask is removed and their true affect emerges.

For others, life seems to be going generally well, relationships are steady and pleasant, until they arrive at work. Then it hits them: “I’m so miserable at this job that I think I will die if I stay here another day. But, wait, I’m stuck here because I don’t know what else I could even do or want to do….” The feeling of being trapped in a job where one is unhappy can be a precursor to depression, however the foundation for that depression is often rooted in deeper circumstances and beliefs such as low self-esteem, general confusion about life, and even substance abuse.