How is the soundtrack of your life this week? Is it coming in loud and clear? Are you humming the words and tapping your feet or is there a blasting, head thrashing sort of thing going on? Can you feel it in your body? One of the things I have been thinking about lately is the relationship between the music we play (and create) and how it affects the dance of our lives.
We all play music, we just don’t often think about it in this way. I have some songs that I listen to over and over again to the point where the groove is well worn into that old record (my songs are still on vinyl). Like the one where I have to be perfect and say and do the right thing all the time. Or the one where I’m not lovable at all and it’s amazing anyone cares what I say or do. Then there’s the song of longing to be truly at peace at whatever cost…These are just a few of my songs. Can you think of your songs?
The thing about the song that is playing in the background of my life at any given moment is that it directly impacts the way I am moving through my life. If I’m playing that dreadful song about not being lovable, for example, then I might act insecure or create conflict with my partner to see if he or she will distance from me and thus prove that I am truly not lovable. Have you ever done that? Perhaps “Beats by Jeff” is pulsating with the “I just want to be free and not tied down because I’m worried I might get stuck in my life and lose sight of what really matters to me” song….! The dance might look like lingering in bed that morning, planning a vacation, or even pushing against my relationships to exert my perception that I can’t or won’t be tied down.
Any of these scenarios resonate for you?
When it comes to the dance of our relationships, we learn the steps as we move through our lives but the music changes from moment to moment forcing us to stay tuned in and responsive to the different rhythms, the highs and lows, the words….It is essential that we remain conscious and present for the playlist so we can dance accordingly.
Thus it is in the space between.
The dance is constantly changing between us because the music is changing and if I want our dance to be beautiful, flowing and meaningful then I must listen carefully to the signals, the music that my partner, friend or family member is sending. This requires a conscious process of attunement- we tune in to the signals we are getting from the other and do our best to move accordingly.
To take this one step further, what if relationship is the dance and emotion is the music.
The goal of effective interpersonal relationships is not just to make better friends, lovers or even reduce arguments…the GOAL is to be able to synchronize and attune to one another- a sort of resonance whereby one persons’ movements begins to reflect, mirror and play off of another persons’ movements like a beautiful tango. If my partner reaches for me, will I receive them, even hold them if that is what they are longing for in that moment? Why wouldn’t I? If I need a little space to decompress, does my partner encourage me to go catch a matinee by myself or offer to watch the kids so I can get a massage?
When we attune to the messages we are receiving from another we tend to be better situated to respond effectively and give the people we care about what they need at those crucial intersections. And, of course, do we even feel the people in our lives are attuned to us? Why or why not?
Begin to experiment with quieting the background noise and listen intently to the music playing in your life.
If attunement truly begins with the SELF then unless you know your own song it will be uber difficult to know what song they are playing over there…