One of the things I like to ask couples on the couch right off the top of our work together has to do with the WHY of relationships. Why do we do it? Why engage in longterm, committed partnerships with another person?
I tend to hear all sorts of flowery responses from “we’re better as a team,” to “because we’re supposed to be with someone else” to the more amusing answers like “I have no idea.”
While none of our answers are technically “wrong,” I would say that we oftentimes miss one of the greatest purposes for choosing to be in a committed coupleship: To witness and be witnessed.
There is a profound beauty when we are at a party, an event or simply sitting at the dinner table and see our partner glance at us with that knowing look. There is a depth and oftentimes a sense of peace that occurs when we experience something big in life in the presence of our partner. “I see you” is a very important message and can be found in religions like that “Namaste” phrase to contemporary films like Avatar. It is archetypal. It is part of the collective consciousness that seeing and being seen makes a difference.
Here is a great clip from the movie “Shall We Dance” which speaks to this notion of witnessing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODD6ht5zNFU
Whether you are in a longterm relationship or not, the process of witnessing is a crucial component of our need to feel safe in life. We all need to be seen, even when it appears we want to isolate. The desire to hide can in fact be a reaction to our fear that we won’t be, or don’t deserve to be, witnessed. So here is a perfect opportunity to consider who really “sees” you and how deeply you move toward seeing others. Sadly, one of the reasons some folks turn to cheating on their spouses is because of a lack of safety and a sense that their parter is acting as an authentic, reliable witness.
So, please, give it a shot today. Be your own best witness and be a witness to others. We need your witnessing presence (presents)!