Emotional affairs are oftentimes an occurrence in a relationship that catches some spouses off guard. A lot of people assume that an affair is black and white- if there isn’t sex then there is no transgression. What often most startles these folks is when they realize that sex is the least of their worries. A one night stand can be bad, but after “the stand,” the threat typically goes away in the morning.
On the other hand, an emotional affair is a legitimate threat because it highlights the weaknesses in the primary relationship and then serves as a new focus for what life “could be like” with a potential new partner who seemingly fills many of the spaces one is missing.
An emotional affair is a liaison in which one partner in a committed relationship begins to project unmet needs and desires onto a third party, creating a triangle of focus and feelings that may or may not include physical contact. The emotional affair has more potential to do permanent damage to a committed partnership because it is not addressing or fulfilling sexual frustrations, but rather it is fulfilling the general state of feeling unfulfilled!
On the other hand, since there is oftentimes an absence of sexual contact in many of these cases, if the emotional affair is identified and addressed early enough, it can be a lightning rod in a marriage that prods a couple to address issues in a direct, focused manner and without beating around the bush, so to speak. Sometimes the other partner is able to hear why their spouse is looking elsewhere to get their non-sexual needs met without reacting in a jealous way because there hasn’t been a physical transgression.
Even better yet? Work on your communication together! Stop projecting your needs onto your partner and take responsibility for your unmet needs and wants. Remember what it feels like to be kind to your partner, just because you are a kind person. If you’re being cold to your spouse, you are being cold to yourself first. So, warm up!
Jeffrey Sumber is changing the world, one relationship at a time. For over two decades, Jeffrey has worked to understand the human experience from as many angles as possible. As a successful psychotherapist, marriage counselor, and life coach, Jeffrey has worked with thousands of clients who strive to live their best lives.
I think that there are a lot of people who would disagree that there is such thing as an “emotional affair.” I’ve found this is especially true when it comes to men vs. women. Most men say there is no such thing, while women seem petrified of the very notion. Many couples, however, would believe that it’s perfectly natural to seek emotional fulfillment outside of an established relationship.
Not saying I agree with all of that ^, but I’ve tried to discuss this case often with others, and it almost always ends up the same way. Guys don’t believe it could happen, women are terrified that it can and will. An over-generalization, yes, but wanted to put it out there. :)
I am absolutely in favor of getting emotional fulfillment from other relationships besides our primary committed partnership. The phenomena of the emotional affair, and any affair for that matter, exists in the context of something illicit, covert. Open relationships are a different story… Thanks so much for your input:)