One of the hardest things about being in a relationship for me is witnessing someone so close to me suffer. We all have our own patterns, blind spots, and distortions of reality however when we’re in the swamp, it is often incredibly difficult to believe that it is just the swamp we’re in and not the entire planet.
It is also challenging to believe we know what someone else needs, that one little thing they can do to alleviate their own suffering. As I teach people each day, it is not for any one of us to tell another person what their problem is! Even if we think we know what it is! At best, we have the opportunity to ask for permission to share some insights we might have but without that permission, we are treading in dangerous territory. And our brilliant insights are likely to be met with animosity, resentment and mistrust.
Many people like to then ask, “so what’s the point of friendship, partnership, family, etc. if we can’t tell them what we think and where they are stuck?”
It’s a wonderful question and I believe that millions of people on the planet are right there with you. The truth is, however, that it is not our right, even if we care very much for them. It is absolutely our right if they ask for help or if they are willing to hear what you have to say. Some people believe it is their absolute responsibility to tell someone they love what they should do, need to do, must do! However, whenever we hear the word “should” rolling off our own lips, you can bet we’re headed for trouble.
The Tyranny of the Should is not only an enemy of our own, berating us for not doing more and being more, more, more… it is also an enemy of our loved ones. “You really should” is a problem for relationships across the globe. It is an indicator that we are actually not at peace with ourselves so we feel the need to change others. It can also be a close cousin of false righteousness, the cousin who always seems to know what I should have done and is so happy to let me know after the fact.
When I come from the Realm of the Should, the likelihood is that I, too, am nearing the swamp.
So, please remember: The swamp is not the planet, it is a teansie, tiny spec on the planet. When I am stuck and I feel the world is crap, it is a feeling, not reality!!! It will pass.
blind spot, couples, jeffrey sumber, patterns, projection, Psychology, relationships, should, the swamp
Jeffrey Sumber is changing the world, one relationship at a time. For over two decades, Jeffrey has worked to understand the human experience from as many angles as possible. As a successful psychotherapist, marriage counselor, and life coach, Jeffrey has worked with thousands of clients who strive to live their best lives.
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Awesome post … I totally agree with you … “Should” is a word that raises the hackles and creates problems in many relationships. I also loved your point about its not our right to tell our friends and family what to do – but if they ask – we can share our views on it … well written … just so you know – I read your blog from your tweet :) – so keep ’em coming.
This blog perfectly describes one of the qualities I treasure most about you, Jeffrey! I couldn’t agree with you more on this topic. For me, it boils down to honoring the self-determination and boundaries of others; trusting that they will get where they need to go in their own time; and committing to playing a supportive role as they journey forward. Thanks for this!
Yes, to allow another to find their own way is both challenging and rewarding.