Forgive me if this seems a bit personal, but what is the POINT of your relationship?
I agree with you… because you love them, because they deal with your crap, because you want to have a family or they look like they’d make a nice baby or two…
I personally believe that the primary reason we enter committed partnership with another person is to grow as an individual! Now that may be hidden beneath the obvious reasons, unconscious to many of us, but have you noticed that the person you love is also the person who seems to get under your skin sometimes?
There’s no coincidence there, and no, this does not mean you are with the wrong person! We choose the person to commit to who pushes our buttons so we have an opportunity to grow and learn about ourselves. Otherwise, when everything is just smooth sailing for the rest of your life together, never a wave or a sudden storm, then you might have a very NICE life, but I have to say, it might not just be boring, it might even be disappointing because you really don’t find yourself challenged to assess yourself and possibly shift some of your behaviors.
Now, many couples don’t like to hear this, but I am very clear that while it is a huge part of relationship to do nice things for your partner, you can not expect your partner to do anything for you. I had a couple on my couch recently and the woman said, “well what’s the point of being married if he’s not going to take out the garbage when I tell him to?” If you fall into this camp, I hate to tell you that you are sailing into a tsunami, not a few little waves.
When my partner does something sweet for me or vice versa, it is a gift, not an obligation. As soon as we feel we have to, we resent it. We all have needs, and we have every right to express those needs to our partners. We just can’t expect them to do anything about them.
Every couple has issues. We all have a problem or two in our relationships however this does not mean we are with the wrong person! However, without a solid, healthy process, i.e. a healthy way of communicating with one another, we find ourselves in trouble. Without a healthy way of speaking and hearing what the other is really saying our problems become the heart of our relationship rather than our process, and that can lead to extraordinary challenges!
So remember, it is the process, not the problems that matter!
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Jeffrey Sumber is changing the world, one relationship at a time. For over two decades, Jeffrey has worked to understand the human experience from as many angles as possible. As a successful psychotherapist, marriage counselor, and life coach, Jeffrey has worked with thousands of clients who strive to live their best lives.
Hi Jeffrey,
Relationships are God’s way of telling us that we are not perfect, but if we work together we can perfect the moment together.
Understanding that energies change in milliseconds can help us to grow into ourselves and each other.
Relationships are works in progress.
Great post.
You are right. Anything you do that blesses your home or your relationship blesses you too, unless you do it in a grumbly way that really says, “Why is it always me doing this.” I have been married since 1984 to a wonderful, but not perfect man, and we have a great friendship, but there were years when we were new to the relationship and fought over all the stupid details. Until I read, “Snoring husbands are the most beautiful music to a widow.” and I realized that everything he does or doesn’t do that annoys me, is because he’s HERE. So now I see the blessings in that and am happy.
So, true, Dixie. The snoring husband concept is a really powerful one. My wife likes to say, “this is a Nice House!” whenever it seems it isn’t. Congratulations for being willing to see the beauty of it. All the best,
Jeffrey
Honestly it is the differences in us that keep us interested. He is the yin to my yang. If my husband always acted the same as me, I may as well be alone.
It is interesting to me that my sister often calls me up to complain about something her husband didn’t do. I gently remind her that he will never be exactly who she wants him to be, and that she needs to accept that she will not be happy if she continues to project how he should act/feel/behave for every situation.
Miriam