Even though I’m not a dad.
I do not have kids and there is a strong chance that I will die without children of my own. It’s not that I have anything against children or fear parenting, it is simply a result of a number of life circumstances that has led to my being, now over forty years old, a non-father.
Now hold on there. People wish me a “Happy Father’s Day” for days before and days after the June holiday as they “Merry Christmas” me silly in December. There is an interesting assumption people make about such things. I’m not a dad and I’m not a Christian, but it doesn’t stop folks from throwing their cheer my way.
It used to really irritate me about the Merry Christmas thing, and there aren’t many things that truly irritate me. Especially with the popular campaign to “put Christ back into Christmas” which does a wonderful job debunking those who wish to persuade me that Christmas is an American holiday and not a religious one. But I digress. Or, do I?
Why is it that people assume I have children? Perhaps it is because I’m a man over forty. Perhaps it is because I choose to grow my facial hair. Perhaps it is because I am a psychotherapist. Perhaps it is because I smile at other people’s kids (in a nice way, not creepy) and even strike up conversations with young people in a way that I believe not many adults have a tendency to do.
However, I’m thinking the answer has less to do with me and more to do with you.
Yes you.
Why do you feel the need to wish me a happy anything when you are not sure if that specific happiness applies to my life? I think the answer leads us back to that favorite topic of mine, projection. There were precious few women whom I dated in my life (or married for that matter) that didn’t stare at me with that look in their eyes and say, “You’re going to be such a good father.” I typically smiled, nodded and particularly enjoyed the sex that night.
I’m not sure there is any real basis for an extrapolation of current behavior, depth, compassion and general “good with kids-ness” that automatically leads one to being an exceptional father. There is, however, a very real projection from you to me that hopes I will be a good father because good fathers are like gold. What is most notable to me is that what I think so many project onto others when it comes to the “fatherly” vibe is just that, a vibe; an energy.
The Father Archetype is something I feel I have connected with for many years. It is an embodiment of kindness, patience, strength, understanding, wisdom, depth, presence and availability. In fact, it is not difficult to confuse the Father Archetype with simply the best of the MALE energy. Simply being a solid, self-realized man is what so many people hope to find in the man with whom they are in a relationship, studying with, learning from, working for, or, yes, co-parenting.
Which brings me back to Christmas. The realization I had about Christmas is the same that helped me relax about Father’s Day. When you wish me a happy anything, you are initiating a connection, offering kindness and most of all, you are attempting to place me inside of your utopic world of understanding and the way things should be.
You want to live in a world where everyone celebrates Christmas because you love it so much and want me to be a part of it. You wish me a Happy Father’s Day because you love being a father and want me to love it to. You want me to be the kind of father you think I would be because you want to be that kind of father or be connected to that kind of father.
Sure, some of you are just so self-absorbed that you fail to accept that not everyone believes what you believe or has chosen the same life choices you have chosen. I used to think that you all occupied this category but I see now that it isn’t that simple. In fact, at this point, I’m pretty honored that you feel I embody the qualities that make a good, strong, father figure.
So, wish me a Happy Father’s Day. In fact, you can call me Dad if you like. I’ll simply sit here and smile patiently, nodding and holding the space with a quiet strength that exudes FATHER.
american holiday, answer, archetypes, Auto, beha, debunking, Draft, extrapolation, Father, Father's Day, Happy, Jung, life circumstances, merry christmas, projection, Psychology, way
Jeffrey Sumber is changing the world, one relationship at a time. For over two decades, Jeffrey has worked to understand the human experience from as many angles as possible. As a successful psychotherapist, marriage counselor, and life coach, Jeffrey has worked with thousands of clients who strive to live their best lives.
Jeffrey, I feel your pain about the Xmas thing. Growing up Jewish in Reno, I have always had a hard time with people wishing me a merry Christmas. People just assume that I celebrate it because “everyone” does. Working in retail is especially hard because I also am subjected to non-stop Christmas music as well (actually the classics don’t bother me,its the remixed crap that they play) from November through January.
Personally, I have simply put up a wall around me and my family and just say thank you to anyone wishing me merry Christmas. I’m not sure I ever considered they wanted to make a connection, it is like saying hello or goodbye to some.
I think you may have inspired a blog post for me. Thanks! Miriam
Thanks for your thoughts Miriam! It is a funny thing that has frustrated me for a while and the conversation about it in society always seems to have such a backlash that I have left it as it is mostly over the years. It has led to conversations where people stress that America is a “Christian nation” and that Christmas is a natural celebration of that nation. It’s like saying that America is a slave nation because that is where it started. Be well and send me a link to your blog when it is up! All the best, Jeffrey
Hi Jeffrey (Dad),
It intrigues me when I hear people say that people will make a great anything because of reasons you’ve outlined.
From what I sense about you, you ARE a good father figure; strong, kind, intelligent, patient, nurturing and attentive. Those traits are ideal in anyone but are punctuated more when children are the direct beneficiary of them.
I do think people create and recreate role models that make them feel good, confident, protected, etc. about their life choices.
I too am not a parent, but still apparent.
Continue “holding the space with a quiet strength that exudes FATHER.”
In my book any day you can celebrate love is a good day. Happy Father-less Fathers Day! :D
Thanks so much, Alexys. I am always so touched and honored when you read and comment on my blog.
Does it really annoy you that much? Maybe things are different here in England. I thought Christmas was all about the presents :D I’ve found people as a rule assume a lot of things, they are very judgemental. I show all the signs of a miss-spent youth, cropped hair, pirate earring and tattoos. I spent many years working with children as a volunteer and I’m an official member of Girl Guiding UK with an enhanced CRB police check to carry out this work. Yet, people still assume I’m a certain type of character simply by the way I look. Some have been proper hurtful with their comments and opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s just an opinion. I never let it annoy me or upset me. A lot of people are probably just being polite or making conversation when they wish you merry Christmas, or happy Father’s Day. I’m sure it’s just out of habit more than anything else, and they don’t put hardly any thought into it.